Dealing with pregnancy loss

October you got us again.  I was getting ready to share the news with the world (SM).  We were starting to get excited.  I was ready to finally put my fear behind and embrace our new adventure.  But we find ourselves in a different position, announcing something no one wants to hear or share, dealing with pregnancy loss.

 

For some, like us, October is a reminder of pregnancy and infant loss.  This October has been marked as my 4th loss.  This one made it to 11 weeks but we did not know until my 12-week appointment.

 

I came so close to starting to fill out the early weeks in the baby book I bought.  Constantly battling in my mind to share the news or keep it hidden because…what if?  I bought a sweet ultrasound pic frame to match your big brother’s and sister’s frames.  Names started coming to mind.  Wondering what you might look like, how would you interact with your siblings, what characteristics would you share?

 

Thanks to COVID precautions I attended the appointment alone.  I waited in silence as the doppler searched my abdomen for a heartbeat.  The Dr. mentioned the little peanut was hiding so she would try to grab the handheld ultrasound machine.  I knew what she was doing and I knew the answer then.  This wasn’t the first time for me.

 

We proceeded with the handheld which found an image but she could hear no heartbeat.  On to the traditional ultrasound room.  The tech tried and searched but she knew as well.  I don’t envy their job in this moment.  To have to tell a mother that their child no longer has a heartbeat when it was so strong just 4 weeks earlier.

 

As I write this, the process is not over yet.  I had 3 options to decide how I will deal with pregnancy loss this time.  I honestly don’t remember being given an option for my second miscarriage.  The other two happened naturally before I knew what was going on.  We are waiting on surgery, a D & C, or Dilation and Curettage.  The same surgery that gave me my scarring, that prevented us from conceiving in the first place.  It has risks as do the other two options but in my opinion, this will have the least emotional toll on me.

 

We’ve never considered ourselves religious but we’ve never shut it out either.  We listen when others speak about their different beliefs.  We find that we relate to some things and question others.  Lately, it seems God is being placed or maybe I’m seeing him easier.  

 

When we first found out about the pregnancy, we believed that it must have been meant to be.  My husband and I have never been able to conceive on our own.  Both children that we do have here on earth were conceived with fertility treatments.  So, to have had this happen the way we are “supposed” to was a miracle in itself.  It must have been meant to be.

 

But what now?  Was this loss meant to be?  Did we have too much anxiety about becoming parents again?  Did we put out the wrong vibes?  Maybe I didn’t push hard enough about needing extra medical support early in my pregnancy.  After all, 41 is old even in today’s medical standards for being pregnant.  Add to that our fertility issues, surely it shouldn’t have been taken so lightly.

 

Now we wonder, what is the lesson we are to learn from this?  What growth are we to gain?

 

There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened.  We will get through our grieving and life will go on.  I’ve done this enough to know that I need space to process but I also need to talk about it.  Especially, with my family.

 

It’s so easy to shut down.  To not share what you are going through.  We keep it in to avoid feeling it, to protect others, to avoid pity, and for so many other reasons.

 

Everyone grieves differently so I don’t want to write a post that says this is what you need to do to heal.  I don’t know that exact answer.  I know what works for me most of the time and that is all I can suggest.  Read further for ways that I am dealing with pregnancy loss.

 

How I am coping

 

Let it out – Cry, scream, speak in tongue.  Whatever works to let it out.  Your body needs this release.

 

Talk to others (when you are ready) – My communication consists of texts right now.  I can’t get through a conversation if we are going to talk about our loss.  I can share more through text to those that I want to share with.  You could also consider letters, journals or whatever form of communication feels best.  Seek out professional help as well.  Therapy is often a taboo subject but can be very helpful when processing different events.  You can find other suggestions for mental health wellness here.

 

Take all the space that you need – That may mean getting away or it may just mean staying silent for now.  It can also mean telling family and friends that you don’t want to share any more right now (or ever).  It may mean taking some days off from work.

 

Find a way to keep busy – If you are at home all day and left to your thoughts you can quickly go dark.  Try to find little things to occupy your time and mind while also giving yourself a chance to grieve.

 

Accept help – If someone is offering to do something for you, let them.  You can choose what is okay if multiple things are offered.  It’s hard to say yes, I get it.  I have told people “I’m fine” on multiple occasions but I have also accepted.  In those moments, it is nice to just be.

 

Ways to help others dealing with pregnancy loss

Again, everyone grieves differently so I can’t speak to what will work for everyone.  I am simply sharing the things that I appreciate in these moments.

 

Offer but don’t push – If you feel inclined to offer to do something, do so but don’t force it.  Give them just a couple of options to choose from.  It can feel overwhelming when it is an open-ended question like, “What do you need?”.  Things that have been offered;

• Watching the kids
• Providing a meal
• Availability to talk
• Company with no pressure to talk about it

Mind your words – No one really knows what to say in these moments but we always feel that we need to make it easier on the grieving person/family.  Less is often more in this situation.  Let them know how sorry you are and that you are here for them.  Try not to add phrases like, “this too shall pass” or “you can try again”.

Give them space but don’t disappear – If they decline help or to talk accept that but continue to check-in.  When you first share such news, you are often flooded with condolences and offers of help but then you are just left to deal with things on your own.  Even if they continue to decline offers, it is nice to know that someone is still thinking of you in your time of need.

 

I share this not to “air” my personal information but in hopes of helping others who are suffering in silence.  To let them know they are not alone.  That it is ok to talk about it or to keep quiet.

 

I share it to help myself process and grieve so that I don’t continue to bottle it up and stuff it down.  It feels unbearable at times and incredibly hard.  Having two others to take care of makes it feel almost strange.  We are so lucky to have the two that we do yet I yearn for this one to be a living part of our family.  It’s hard doing this away from extra support too.  We have great family and friends that have offered to travel to help and we are so thankful for that.

Fly high baby Youngs

 

-Kate